I t Nerd in Story Drain Turn It Off and Then Back on Again
Championship carte for episode.
Bible Games 2 - Aroused Video Game Nerd - Episode 62
(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Stone)
The Nerd: Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! (the Nerd holds up the games he played and reviewed from his episode "Bible Games") Now 2 years ago, I played a agglomeration of Bible games. Yeah. At present would you believe in that location's actually more of them? (the Nerd picks up the games that he's going to review in this episode) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible?! Why would you do that?! These games suck ass! (the Nerd puts the games down) If I was God, I'd be pissed .
Contents
- i Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land
- 2 Noah's Ark
- 3 Joshua
- 4 Menace Beach
- 4.1 Fishfall
- 4.two 4Him
- 4.three Sun Funday
- v Bible Games on CD-i
- 5.i Moses: The Exodus
- 5.2 David and Goliath
- 5.three The Story of Samson
- vi Trivia
Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land
The Nerd: Kickoff, let'south check out Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land. (notes instructions on cartridge) What the Hell is this?! "To offset the game, delight wait upward to 9 flashes on TV screen. Power on, please wait 7 seconds between ability on and ability off"? (the Nerd puts the game into the Toploader) Wow! Quite a lot of instructions just to start the damn game!
The Nerd: Y'all play as Moses. I guess on his journey to the Promised Land, he had to go through labyrinths, and shooting "Due west'south" at everything and collecting sacks with the alphabetic character "Chiliad." I don't know nigh this 1. It's simply a puzzle game. It's playable. Basically, you have to collect a sure amount of items in social club for an exit to appear. I'm non fifty-fifty sure exactly what the items are, just it pretty much ways that yous have to uncover every square. (Exclaims) This is so redundant! It'due south actually one of those games where you demand a Turbo controller.
The Nerd: So, the exit appears, you take it, and so yous get a bunch of Bible questions like: "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male person babies, Kill all babies--" Impale all...babies? I'yard playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"?! And you know what? That's the wrong answer, and so that obviously ways it'south something they fabricated up. "Kill all babies"! So for every question you lot answered correctly, you become, what else? A Bible, and then you lot go a violent picture of somebody being whipped, and then it'due south on to the adjacent level.
The Nerd: Oh, this is so monotonous. Obviously, I'1000 going all the style in the centre. Oh no, now I gotta go all the fashion dorsum.
(18 seconds after)
The Nerd: Oh, fuckin' Hell. This is ridiculous!
(x seconds later)
The Nerd: So and then I go back out. I stop all the crap I gotta do. Oh, so I guess it'due south the question marks I gotta get. And and then what? Where's the exit?
(cuts across to the other side of the screen)
The Nerd: (groans) Information technology's back over in that location?! Oh my Lord. I've had enough with this shit.
Noah'south Ark
The Nerd: All right. Side by side upwards, allow's attempt... Noah'due south Ark? (turning to the camera) Oasis't we played this already?
(croaky audio)
The Nerd: Recall in Bible Adventures, there were three games, and one of which was Noah'south Ark, that stupid shit where you're pickin' up stacks of animals, then of course, there'due south the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D, the only unlicensed Super NES game, which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein, where you're goin' effectually shooting goats.
The Nerd: So at present we take still some other game based off of Noah's Ark. Merely there's something very different about this one. What's that? (points at the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality on the game cartridge) It was actually licensed past Nintendo. Who fabricated this?
("Contra" title music plays every bit the camera zooms in on the cartridge and shows it was published by Konami. Lightning flashes.)
The Nerd: Okay, now I'1000 actually curious!
(The Nerd puts the game on the Toploader, the camera zooms in to the title, so the Nerd plays it, and really feels somewhat satisfied with the game. After, he takes the game out of the Toploader. The "Life Lost" music from the game plays as he takes it out.)
The Nerd: Okay, who would've thought this would actually be decent?! Well, information technology was merely released in Europe, which means it's in the PAL format and it can't be played on any North American NES, unless y'all accept the Toploader. (the Nerd puts the game back into the Toploader and turns it on) That plays anything. (the Nerd gives the Toploader a thumbs-up)
The Nerd: The game's not bad, but it'due south fuckin' weird . Why are there Native Americans in Noah's time? And why does he turn into a fish? If he and all the animals tin turn into fish, they wouldn't even need the fuckin' ark. Also, information technology's by and large a hurting in the donkey, considering enemies tin bleed half your life-bar with 1 striking. Even the tiniest things such as bees, which take almost all your life. And there'southward lots of things yous can't fifty-fifty touch at all, where you die instantly. This makes information technology almost pointless to even have a life-bar.
The Nerd: Also, there'due south subconscious bonus stages. But if you observe one of them, information technology doesn't bring you back. So, rather than returning yous to the game where you left off, it puts you back at the beginning of the phase, which is fuckin' bullshit! But overall, I would at to the lowest degree go as far to call it a game.
Joshua
The Nerd: All right. What's next? (holds upwards the game "Joshua" for the NES) Ooh. Joshua. This i looks fun, right?
The Nerd: Oh, no. Doesn't this look familiar? Information technology'southward the aforementioned matter equally Exodus. Well, that scratches that off the listing. What'southward the point of discussing the same game twice? The simply deviation is that you're Joshua, I assume, and that in that location'south a voice.
Digitized Vocalisation: Be mettlesome, Joshua!
The Nerd: Simply what's even stranger: this game ("Joshua") was a copy of a game ("Exodus"), which is a copy of another game, Crystal Mines. Damn!
The Nerd: Well, here's a piffling history lesson. Colour Dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the NES like Helm Comic, Secret Picket, and Raid 2020. Maybe I'll review that ("Raid 2020") in the twelvemonth 2020. Anyway, Color Dreams, for whatever reason, make up one's mind they wanted to offset doing Bible games now nether the name Wisdom Tree. Essentially, they're recycling some of their quondam Colour Dreams games and adding Christian themes.
Menace Embankment
The Nerd: For example, here nosotros have Menace Embankment (the Nerd holds upwardly "Menace Beach" for the NES), which was turned into Sunday Funday. Let's check it out. (the Nerd puts the game into the Toploader)
The Nerd: And so this is Menace Embankment. Basically, you're some kid on a skateboard trying to rescue some daughter. Information technology's played by God-awful control, a pathetic attack range, and the virtually abrasive level design I've always seen. Simply the nigh interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you run across your girlfriend begging you to rescue her. And each time, her clothes gradually disappear. The commencement time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening. She says: (girl vocalism) "I've been here so long my clothes are starting to rot." (normal voice) Seriously, that'southward the only explanation. I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot. Just the funny thing is that information technology's a strangely constructive mode to become you to play the game because simply for marvel's sake, it makes you wonder: how much of her clothes are going to come off? Information technology'due south like: "Hey, we got this horrible shitty game, but there's a girl taking her wearing apparel off. So you gotta keep playing."
The Nerd: How did this plow into a Bible game?! Well, allow's find out. Hither comes Sunday Funday. (the Nerd holds upwards the game cartridge for the NES) It might involvement you to know that this is actually the final game ever made for the NES, and it was as belatedly as 1995. (the Nerd puts the game into the Toploader) Oh, no, no, no, at that place's three games!("Sun Funday", "Fishfall", "4Him") Oh, boy. Well, let'due south try them all.
Fishfall
The Nerd: Hither'due south Fishfall. Okay, you're a paw tryin' to grab falling fish and throw 'em up into a floating basket. What does this have to do with the Bible? What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electrical eel -- up at an electric eel -- have to do with the Bible? Oh, okay, information technology's got some Bible verses thrown in. Now information technology makes perfect sense.
4Him
The Nerd: Okay, let'southward try 4Him. (Some vocal lyrics appear on the screen, lighting up in fourth dimension to the beat) What? It's karaoke? Oh, delight.
Sun Funday
The Nerd: Now that I've wasted my time with all that, let's play Sun Funday. Well, it's identical to Menace Embankment. Just wait at the championship screens. It's the same exact game. Now, there are a few small-scale differences, only we'll get to them equally we go.
The Nerd: Instead of trying to rescue your girl... yous're not even gonna believe this when I tell you... you're trying to become... to Lord's day School. Aye. Now equally much as that'southward the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's and then hard. Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to get to church? It's bad enough that the entire town's tryin' to cease you, but what's with the flight clowns? The old ladies comin' out of boxes? And animals comin' out of sewer holes? What's this guy's trouble? Like, why does everyone want him dead?
The Nerd: I'd say he's having quite a twenty-four hours, and the funny thing is he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it. Like: "Oh, what do you do on a Lord's day morn earlier church?" "Oh, well I flew on a airship that I got from some clown, and so I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers, I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a agglomeration of springs and shit, and so I threw a flop and blew some guy's fuckin' face off." Yeah, expect at the face! (He kills a guy) Oh, God, that's so trigger-happy.
The Nerd: Now, instead of this stripping chick, you get this annoying bitch who does aught but nag you.(nagging lady voice) "Get your ass to Sunday School!" (normal voice) The only other thing I've noticed that'southward been changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers. Possibly ninjas were too fierce, and Elvis' devilish rock 'n' coil was too much for a religious game. But everything else fits perfectly fine. Why does a bird come out every fourth dimension you kill someone? And why do they plough from white to blackness? Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson.
The Nerd: Your attack is and so pathetic. It seems yous accept to keep skating by people while tapping the push button, and I've never figured out the right time. It's simply luck whether yous hit them or not. What are yous supposed to be doing anyway? Merely spinning around? Look at this, I'k notwithstanding trying to hit this guy. (the Nerd finally did it) Finally! (He lands on the bomb.) Oh, fuck!
The Nerd: Another real piss-off is that information technology keeps goin' night. Seems like I'thousand runnin' into that problem a lot with games lately. It's and then annoying! You lot have to keep hitting the switches to keep the room vivid.
The Nerd: Oh, come on, get the damn switch! Oh, what the fuck? Oh, homo! I really detest those springs, all I'chiliad trying to do is become down and to right just I tin can't get in! (The springs bounce him back, and he grunts) Awww! Aw, shit! Awww, God! When you don't want the springs to bounciness you around, they exercise. And when you want them to, they don't! What the fuck?! Why didn't it bounciness me? There's also these squares that make you autumn through the pipes. I don't know what that's virtually.
The Nerd: Some enemies you tin only impale with bombs, and trying to get them stand up near a flop is ridiculously hard. Come on! Of grade he's not gonna come up near it! (he manages to get the enemy shut to the bomb) OK, there, perfect. He'south laughing, he'due south got two bombs ready to blow, and... he walks abroad. OK, there's some other 1. Of class, he goes right past it. Oh, there he goes - Fuck.
The Nerd: (sarcastically) Oh, look at this! This is nice! I'k stuck, I need a balloon to fly over the pigsty only I need to go back to get the balloon! As well bad I can't jump high enough. So, it's time to commit suicide. (he jumps into the sea) Here'south the problem, this picayune ledge shouldn't be here! It'south pointless because in one case you're there, you're stuck.
The Nerd: Oh, fuck, get me away from the bombs! I detest those fuckin' springs! GAH! Ooh, got lucky there... (the Nerd gets sprung into a abysmal pit) I hate those fuckin' things, they're the worst! Damn! Oh, this game is then abrasive.
The Nerd: Look at this! I got trapped in some sort of pipe! There'south no way down, what I'yard trying to do is get on the floor and go under it, just at that place'southward a fuckin' bound that comes up. So at that place'south that damn switch making information technology go dark. I go bounced all over the identify. Man! Merely become down there! Oh! Ugh! UGH! Fuck!
The Nerd: I'thousand surprised, this game is really really hard. It's i of the hardest I've ever played. Mostly because of this shit right here! You lot take to bounciness on a bunch of springs. Some bounciness you up, and some bounce you down. The idea is to not touch the ones that bounciness you downward or else you dice. Only in that location's no clear stardom! They all look the aforementioned.
The Nerd: At first at that place's a pattern. Upward, down, up, down, down! That's existent prissy! So it fuckin' fools you lot into thinking that in that location'southward a pattern, and then it just throws you off! Merely trying to avert those down springs is almost impossible! Oh my fuck! Fuck this game. Fuck this fuckin' piece of shit! Oh, man, I'thousand doing skillful. Holy shit, I might actually make it...! (the Nerd dies yet once more) Fuck!!! (the Nerd just stares in shock) Oh, boy.
Bible Games on CD-i
The Nerd: Alright, well, that's enough with that one. Information technology's fourth dimension to wrap things upwards. I got somethin' to blow the lid off the crap butt. Time to flick the shit switch, plough upwardly the diarrhea dial, It'South BIBLE GAMES, ON CD-I!! Yeah!! Nosotros're livin' on the edge! (inserts the CD into the CD-i) More similar livin' on a prayer!
Moses: The Exodus
The Nerd: Kickoff, we have Moses: The Exodus. Honestly, there's non much to say. It's basically an educational tool with some games thrown in. Showtime, there's Pyramid Pursuit. This is the main game. Basically you're exploring a pyramid. It's a bespeak-and-click game, but not a good one that actually makes you think. This i is a no-brainer. Information technology flat out explains what y'all're supposed to do. Go this way, go that fashion. The voices are the fuckest bologna shit you'd ever hear.
Anubis: (in a labored, monotone voice) I'chiliad an idol worshipped by many. At that place'due south someone downstairs who worships me.
The Nerd: What is it, a robot? But let me requite you a quick tour of the other stuff. First, you lot have this animated story well-nigh Moses.
Male Narrator: Moses trusted God. He knew that no affair what, God would take intendance of him.
The Nerd: Then you have Tell Me More than which is just more than history lessons almost the Bible.
Female Narrator: In the time of Moses, a sacrifice might exist an animal like an ox.
The Nerd: So you lot have The Bible, which is simply scripture from the Bible.
The Nerd: Then yous have the Playroom. The kickoff thing you notice is the Sing-Along. It's just a bunch of karaoke songs.
Child Vocalizer: Moses and me, we've got a choice to brand. Leadin' the manner. I've got to exercise it!
The Nerd: Only tell me, why is "Moses and Me" graffitied on a wall? Then in that location'due south a Slider Puzzle. Nothing to say about that.
The Nerd: So there's the coloring book, and this is where things become really ass! Information technology'south kinda like Mario Paint but actually hard to control. Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place. And what the Hell's going on here? Leprosy? That's overnice.
The Nerd: So there'due south this Connect the Dots bullshit. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice.
Kid: Whoops!
The Nerd: If you lot go the dot, you get the irritating voice.
Child: Yippee!
The Nerd: And information technology NEVER FUCKING STOPS.
(the voice says "yippee" and "whoops" a couple of times, and then the Nerd gets annoyed at the voice)
The Nerd: Is that really necessary? Like, what, are they fucking crazy? Well, anyway, that'south almost all at that place is to say about that. The other two games are the same deal.
David and Goliath
The Nerd: They all accept the aforementioned puzzle game, sing-forth, all that. The simply real deviation is the main games. David and Goliath has this board game.
Goliath: I am Goliath!
Narrator: Y'all've landed on Goliath'due south square. That'll send him back!
The Nerd: Information technology doesn't make much sense because you never see the entire board, then you don't know where Goliath is. That's similar if you were playing Monopoly and you lot put your face up to the game. You never know what's going on.
The Story of Samson
The Nerd: The last game's The Story of Samson. Information technology has a game called Riddler's Race. And so was the Riddler in the Bible? (a movie of the Riddler appears) I didn't know that.
The Nerd: So, basically, you're a harpist on your manner to play the harp at Samson'due south wedding ceremony. But there's a bunch of people after you, and if they grab y'all, you have to answer a Bible riddle. Yes, that's it.
(audio of goat bleating)
The Nerd: Alright, well, I retrieve I'm done. There'due south not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify equally games. There's one on Game Boy called The Rex James Bible. Information technology's extremely rare, but all information technology is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'k gonna draw the line right there. So take a Happy Holidays, and all that skilful shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fuckin' night. (he drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock.)
Trivia
- This is the first AVGN episode to be in widescreen and in Hd. This episode is filmed in 720p Hard disk, the next being Nighttime Castle. The series did not offset being filmed in 1080p HD until Bible Games III and every episode later that was filmed in 1080p Hd.
- In two out-of-character videos, Rolfe listed the "kill all babies" text in Exodus as #18 on his list of the top twenty weirdest moments in a video game, and Sunday Funday equally the #x worst game on the NES.
Source: https://avgn.fandom.com/wiki/Transcript_of_AVGN_Episode_Bible_Games_2
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